05 November 2005

The Polite Boys

The Polite Boys. There is no one who hasn't heard of them. They are the hottest musical group in the world. They have sold more records than Elvis Presley, The Beatles, and Slim Whitman combined.

Howard Bernard, Daniel Casey, and John Eisenbeiser comprise the three-member group. Each comes from the middle-class suburbs of West Springfield, Massachusetts, a town they have put on the map. Howard Bernard leads the group and composes most of the group's material. Though many of his songs sound like shabby reworkings of old Beatle hits, they do show a definite lack of musical knowledge, imagination, and understanding. Howard's vocals are poor (if not wretched) and his flat, off-key renditions of syrupy Paul McCartney compositions disgust and sicken the listener.

Daniel Casey plays keyboards and is the other lead vocalist for the group. Daniel has had no musical training, and he confesses to play keyboards simply by ear. His random playing of notes and chords add much to the distinct sound of the group. Daniel's monotone vocals are a big favorite among prepubescent girls, who scream and shriek as his voice moans, drones, and groans. Occasionally Daniel will collaborate with Howard in the writing of the group's songs. Daniel helped pen such Polite Boys hits as "Oh Beverly," "When Your Out-of-Town Girlfriend Goes Away," and the immortal "Right-Wing Teenager."

John Eisenbeiser, the group's drummer, is its least talented member. His playing (like that of the other two) gives the impression that he has had no musical training. He has not. On the snare John produces a sound imitating that of machine gun fire. On the bass drum he achieves a sound closely resembling that of an explosion. His tom-toms are often used for the same effect, but more frequently they are simply kicked around on stage. The cymbals are smashed rarely, and then only out of frustration. Rumor has it that in the recording studio Howard overdubs John's drumming with playing of his own. John does no vocal work, except for shouting things in the background like "Run for cover!" and mimicking the sound of diving airplanes.

The question of everyone's lips is, why? Why are The Polite Boys so popular?


At 27 December, 2006 08:37, Anonymous DWC said...

Now that made me laugh today. . .

I wonder if you have the cartoon of my father hitting his head on the kitchen light (which he used to do about once daily)?




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Iga Wyrwal
Iga Wyrwal
Why begrudge me a little fun. And must you chew gum.
Iga Wyrwal
Iga Wyrwal
Iga Wyrwal